I don’t know what it is… Maybe it’s just the fear of dying alone. Maybe it’s the fear that despite all my hopeless efforts, I’ve never once gotten what I wanted… what I felt I deserved. Not with love, not with respect, not even with my dreams & goals of future accomplishments. Maybe that’s what I was put here for then? To fill in some void, some empty space. Maybe I’m just a minor role in a bigger picture that I’m just not seeing and maybe my significance is less because of that.
I dreamt a dream & so it seemed, that not one bit of it was clean. The filth of failure filled it in. The guilt of nature built within. Negative overpowered positive. But what is being positive at the end of the day? The causative was not prerogative. But what is the difference when things don’t go your way? It’s so hard to keep a plus sign on when everything else is in the minus. It’s hard to go about your day when your problems stay stuck in mind like a sinus. A question faith is caused by a question of fate. “What now?”, is the question of date. All driven by the passion of hate. Hate for the life. Hate for the strife. And beyond the light, my brand new wife… Figment.Elusive.Apocalyptic.Reality.
I’m in the middle of an early life crisis. In a couple of weeks, I’ll be facing my fears of this and hopefully it will resolve itself. This doesn’t upset me. What upsets me is people who have the audacity to come out of their face at me despite everything that I have done for them. Tonight, I have cut off several members of my immediate circle. This is due to the fact that I can no longer be considered a pushover. I refuse to go to my grave being known as the kid who could never put his foot down. I’m putting it down now. Hopefully this effort to take back control of my life won’t be in vein and 2 months from now I’ll be chillin’ somewhere on a beach, sippin’ on an ice cold Corona, soaking up the sun and waiting for the Fall semester of school to start. I’m revisiting my faith and praying harder than I ever have before. And God knows, I will not stop praying even after this all blows over…
He saw the stars. But for the first time in his life, he looked at them and felt no comfort. Instead, he felt mocked. You are down there alone, the stars seemed to say to him. And we are up here, in our constellations, together.
I have been loved, Edward told the stars.
So? said the stars. What difference does that make when you are all alone now?
Edward could think of no answer to that question.
Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane (via andrewbaggott)
Augustus: Well, aren’t you the comfortable little whore right now.
Me: *bumpin’ tunes, turns* Huh?
Augustus: You. You’re a whore, filthy. *laughs*
Me: *pauses music & looks in disgust* And to what do you base this retarded assumption on?
Augustus: Sei nicht so dumm! I know you like the back of your hand. Need I explain again? You seem to not be able to wrap our brain around this.
Me: Ya’ know, I begin to question my mental stability every time you talk to me.
Augustus: Oh, don’t be so dramatic! The entire world talks to themselves. It’s just that not many are brave enough to admit it like yourself & your best friend.
Me: What the hell do you want? I’m trying to zone out.
Augustus: I don’t think I made it clear that me popping up is a result of you zoning out…
Me: GET LOST!!!
Augustus: Temper, temper. I’m just here to point out how wrong you currently are and have always been… Over here hanging around your comfort zone and not progressing. Look at facebook. See that status?
Augustus: And yet you envy the art of being real… How many people have you actually “cut off” yourself, sir?
Augustus: Exactly. Mr. I just can’t seem to put my foot down. All these people who fucked you over and yet you still continue to “forgive” & associate with them. My God, you made the same mistake again tonight didn’t you?
Me: Then why couldn’t you stop it if you care that much?
Augustus: I’m merely a form of guidance in your conscious mein. You make the final decisions.
Me: There’s no reason for bad blood.
Augustus: I don’t think you even believe what you’re saying.
Augustus: I mean, whatever. At the end of your day, it’s your choice. I’m never going to misguide you mein. I’m just going to say what is believed to be right in the context of your brain & at the end of the day, is also right to 98% of mankind.
Me: Please go away.
Augustus: *sighs and shakes head in disappointment* Bis später. *disappears*